Saturday, December 12, 2009 @7:45 PM
camp's in less than 24hours. i'm packed. my stuff is leaving the house in about an hour. i just printed the admin/logs stuff. and then suddenly i realize..
throughout the planning for this we barely put much thought into budget. me, barely put much thought into budget. and now there's this horrible ominous cloud over my brain. the cloud keeps raining thoughts of "not enough $$" into my brain!
this is bad.
oh well. things should settle itself. if i become my normal self and be a little more stingy and thrifty in the expenditure..
whoosh. not much time left to idle away (actually i'm already backlogging on the "to-do" for today!) so, i'll see you guys soon. :)
Wednesday, November 25, 2009 @7:57 AM
okay. most of the exams are over, i can't say anything about how i've performed. just don't have a very good feeling for most of the papers but yet i don't feel panicky. which is really strange.. but i do wish i didn't panic DURING the exam. it would've helped alot. but anyway, what's done's done, just hope that whatever i get will suffice and see me through to fst.
hee. in a bid to cheerup on monday i came home to play theme hospital! downloaded like a gazillion versions of it before i could get the vista compatible one. even then, it wasn't the best system - everytime my laptop battery went down by a quarter, the game would hang. -.- thank goodness i saved the game periodically. besides that, i would say its a really good game. played it last time when i was younger and now i'm progressing much faster than before, maybe because i've gotten into the hang of the game, building more stuff quickly.
this has been quite a crazy week. mom's birthday celeb over the weekend, double exam on monday (even though both are short papers, i was still quite drained when i got home), movie + pool + laserquest on tuesday, helping out at home on wednesday, tomorrow gonna pick out my outfit, and friday its owen's birthday. probably gotta help get his gift and his cake, etc. what, oh what, should i get for my brother..
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i don't like all these rumours or talking behind others' back that i see all around, everyday. at church, at home, in school. why can't people come to an agreement about stuff? instead of being so wholeheartedly stubborn and devoted to their own cause just because it's what they prefer. many times in life, the things you have to do are not the things you want to do. you just have to make the best out of it and find happiness in whatever you're doing. i've always lived by a policy of making the best out of whatever i have and trying my best to work out some kind of compromise, even though the people i'm working with may not be very good to work with or just plain difficult.
maybe i've just been listening for too long, but over the weekend before the double paper monday i was hit by a wave of the blues. its not primarily due to these rumour stuff, but more of my grandma. i don't understand why i'm making such a big deal out of it but i just got really upset when i found out.
okay, she lied to me. and there's always the possibility of old age being the cause of her forgetfulness making it seem like she lied, but i can't help but feel she did it on purpose. her diabetic condition has worsened slightly but its inevitable with age, so to help her we got one of those blood glucose machines. one afternoon, after i got through an exam, i came home and asked, "hello! did you take your blood glucose today? how was it?" and she told me, "oh, i got 9. [mmol/L]" it was acceptable for a diabetic after breakfast, so i let it go.
and then, that evening, she told my mom, "the screen said E9." at that moment i was like, HUH?! you just told me in the afternoon it was 9! but this mistake was still forgivable, i believe it was a genuine mistake, it may have just slipped her mind to mention the E. [btw, E9 means an error occurred during the test.]
on saturday, i asked her casually, "have you gotten the piece of paper updated? the one you put in your wallet, to tell others who to contact in case something happens outside?" and she said, "yea i've done it."
within three hours, my mom walks into the room, and tells my grandma: "hey, i haven't updated that paper for you yet. i do it on monday okay? put these numbers?" i was studying then but when i heard those words i just stopped and turned around and looked at my mom. "what, she hasn't updated it yet?" "no she hasn't, i haven't done it." and it hit me pretty hard that my grandma actually bluffed me.
from an outsider's point of view, you'd be inclined to say that it may be a mistake again. i don't dispute it. but just a few days previously, my aunt told me she refused to have that piece of paper updated, saying nothing would happen to her, and even then those numbers would still work. the fact was that the piece of paper contained outdated numbers, and only one of them still worked.
and yesterday, after she went through a simple procedure to get her cataract cleaned. i came home for dinner, and i saw some porridge left over, so i told her, "have the porridge, its healthier." we have tingkat from a caterer and the food is far too oily for my liking. when you take porridge you eat less of the dishes as compared to when you eat rice.
when my mom asked her, "which one you want?" she immediately said, "rice!"
okay. maybe she doesn't like porridge. maybe she doesn't like porridge for DINNER.
you know what they say when life goes around? you become a child again when you grow old. and this process is beginning, for my grandmother.. but she doesn't know it. and i don't look forward to it. she sleeps in my room and most of the time i help her around because she "likes me" and apparently i'm the best, of the relatives in singapore, in getting her to listen or be less obstinate or just talk some sense into her.
i'm not afraid of the process of taking care of her and helping her. i'm not afraid to be seen as uncool when i bring her out shopping or carry her bags or do stuff at her beck and call. but she's just not being cooperative, and even when i do my best trying to reach a compromise with her, she just shuts me out. she doesn't listen to whatever she doesn't WANT to listen to. its kinda getting tiring trying to balance between satisfying her and satisfying the rest of the family.
beyond the fatigue, what i'm really afraid is that something will happen to her. like, death. there are nights when she is the same position when i sleep and when i wake up. i actually look at her until i see her steady breathing before i relax and tell myself she's okay. there are other nights when i suddenly hear her snoring stop. and i sit bolt upright in my bed looking at her to see if she's breathing.
i wish that she would be watched over and i wouldn't feel too overly-responsible for whatever happens even though sometimes i can't control it. like the death thing.
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thank you for listening.
Saturday, October 17, 2009 @10:08 AM
graduation's over! so fast.. last saturday, i was digging for photos for kbong, just finished the class box. on tuesday, we had news about the totem pole, and then went on another night spree to get the symbols up for the others to draw. slogged through two more days of school (though thursday was considerably better and more fruitful) and then friday came.
slept late, so woke up barely on time and rushed out. no breakfast. ): reached school and once people arrived, we started on the pole. it was quite difficult at first to finish kbong's symbol but i managed to do the basic outline and then left the rest to another person. and had to do that "you help this part? and you do that part." thing and make sure everyone was involved.. but basically the class got together and we all did something. (: was quite tired and hungry by the time the pole was up and ready to be presented to the school. but then, i didn't get to eat potluck because it was time to go for the ceremony. >< bahh.
ceremony was pretty okay. kept awake by the need to do stuff for magcomm. the videos were really good and so was bp's sarcasm and suaning towards the later part of his address. were given our grad stuff and the mementoes.. a dvd with video montages and photos. a very nice gift i would say.
so after ceremony and phototaking went to clear the class, sweep, did all the usual logs stuff. gave each classmate a film as i wanted to. farewell gift. (: quite fun. we stayed in class till we had to return the key.. and we used the ceiling as a storage place 'cos we couldn't bring everything back with us. XD went off to vivocity! they wanted to go shopping for jarryl's birthday stuff but then it would be too late for me, so i just had lunch with the rest and went home. *snore*
after i got home i properly read my grad stuff, initially i thought there was a mistake in my testimonial. the seminar names were different! being the usual cannot-lie-and-must-not-take-what's-not-mine person i asked kbong if he could change it, and then DANGDANGDANG!! it was actually in the system that i was selected for the seminar that he wrote about! was quite pleasantly surprised (: but i think i didn't get to go for it because it was probably during the period which i was overseas last year. heh.
and then i read through the list of cca stuff, and i felt that these two years were well spent. even though i missed tk a lot at first and wanted to go somewhere with a little more green, and i didn't really like school.. i managed to like the place enough in the end to actually stay back after school and not rush home. guess i made the right choice to stick it out in cj (:
well. kudos to two years in cj and making the best out of it and all the way for the exams. (:
Sunday, October 11, 2009 @9:14 AM
okay i hate that photobucket inactive sign thing on the sidebar so i'm trying to access my account now so that it'll go away. i think the last time i actually signed into photobucket was end 2005 and i'm not surprised that i have trouble recalling my password and my username. ):
went back to tk on thursday. actually i wanted to go back on friday and sing the school song, do all that nostalgic stuff, but had the chem mock. at least i could do part of it after a revelation even though i got stumped halfway through. it was like, "how to do.." and then "PING PING PING!!"
anyway, i hung around parkway and finally got my maped compass! no more excuses to skip complex number questions for maths. :D met up with alyba, drea and fluff in sch. they came late!! gwarr. we talked to mrs ngin for almost one and a half hours.. until i got so hungry i just kinda shut up. she managed to successfully bluff me she was four months pregnant. >< that aside.. when tk girls are hungry, they go to VIDEOWORLD!! i haven't had instant noodles in eons. nothing beats slacking at videoworld, having our instant noodles, icecream and talking nonsense. :D alvie you have to join us the next time!!
I JUST LOGGED INTO PHOTOBUCKET!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D
this week has been crazy. sleeping about four/five hours a night and trying to concentrate on lessons, finish homework and study for mocks is no joke. i woke up at 8.25am on wednesday. >< my mom banged down the door and exclaimed, "don't you have school today?" it took me a few seconds to realize it was WEDNESDAY!! and then the first thought was, "should i pon or should i not?" then, "OH NO CSE LECTURE!! GP!! DOUBLE CHEM!!" i flew around the room getting my stuff and by 8.35 i was out of the house. :)
the cab ride to school was another thing. the taxi driver didn't think a girl like me would call a cab. so he just waited near the carpark lots and i had to call upstairs to ask my mom if that cab number was the one that i was supposed to get on. and yea, it was. so i got on, and the guy asked, "YOU called the cab?" i was so angry! is there something wrong with small girls getting on cabs?! "yes, I called the cab." emphasis on the "I".
so we went down upp serangoon road. goodness the traffic jam! we got stuck for about 5min in the jam and i just watched the meter go up like how my temperature was probably rising. i was secretly swearing to myself the jam was so bad i wouldn't even make it to school in time for the last lesson (at 11am. it was then about 8.50). suddenly, the driver turned off a slip road into lorong chuan and didn't say anything about it.
at first i was ready to start scolding because i was utterly fed up. first he thinks i cannot call a cab. then he thinks he can take me for a blurbox and take me on a round around serangoon. but thank goodness i held my tongue because i was proven wrong! zoom zoom zoom across lorong chuan and out at BARTLEY ROAD!! no jam all the way to school! whoohoo! my temper, temperature and angsty feelings towards the driver all cooled down. until the erp.
"OH NO ERP." *teet* $0.50. AHHH!! at that point of time the driver saw me staring in front out at the other cars (which were beginning to jam at lor 1 tp) and said, "see, jam. don't you think so?" and being grumpy, again, all i could utter was a "yes i agree" in formal chinese. oh yea, the other reason for me becoming grumpy again was because i asked him to go via lor 2, the fastest route in tp towards cj. he went into lor 1. and luckily his peripheral vision caught sight of my black face, he turned into lor 3 to go into lor 2 which indeed was much faster. and so my black face slowly became skin colour again.
in fact the rest of the ride to cj was fast with minimal traffic lights so my mood lightened considerably. grouchy no more! by the time i actually arrived in school i was quite happy and could say thank you to the driver and actually meant it. i paid $18 for an extra 2h 50min worth of sleep.
moral of the story: please avoid sleeping late for consecutive nights until you can't hear your alarm which goes on playing beatles music for fifteen minutes.
exams are in 29 days. please kick me offline.
Friday, September 25, 2009 @10:32 AM
hello, after a month i am back! :D hoho. okay so prelims are over, and now there're 44 more days to the big real exams.. and i still do not feel adequately prepared. sigh. >< anyway, here's an update.
my shortsightedness and astigmatism have both increased. shortsightedness increased for both eyes, left eye 50degrees and right eye 75degrees. astigmatism for left eye, 50degrees. so there's a horrible imbalance for my two eyes' astigmatism.. there's a difference of 75degrees. not very good. during bio lecture on thursday i realized that i couldn't see properly, my eyes were so confused because the right one couldn't see clearly (the screen was blur when i covered my left eye!) and my left eye was straining to make up for it. normally i wouldn't have seen the optician, but because it was actually BLUR and affecting my lessons, i went today. :) so, new lenses! collecting on wednesday.
i can't say i've been working very hard (and thus causing the eye degree increase) because the truth is that i haven't. once i get home i take out the itouch and start poking it. especially after the prelims because i lifted the computer ban on myself (and this also explains what i'm doing here) and can download more apps. >< sheesh. must stop this excess poking of the screen and get back to work..
some of the prelim results have started coming in. chem - relatively okay, but i don't feel very satisfied with the marks from the current papers because there were hints. from the total grade i'm gonna deduct about 8 to 10 marks to see my real chem standard. i really don't like accepting hints but i was stuck at the table and even if i tried to shut my teacher out, it wouldn't really have worked. and for the other exams some other classes get hints too. so i shall just do the minus thing and hope that i still score decently.
china studies - improvement! for one segment only. but overall mooky was quite happy (even though she can't rmb my marks exactly) so i presume i passed.. for once. maybe its actually a decent, above 50marks pass. same for gp - passed the essay. let's hope i didn't fail the compre this time! [note: if you didn't know.. i failed gp for midyears. 17/50 for essay and 23/50 for compre before moderation. my mom nearly had a heart attack because i scored for the english o's.]
maths, sad. sigh. ): may my brain be reception to differentiation, integration, complex numbers, vectors and definite integrals! my numerous mathematical achilles heels.
i've stopped organ for the time being (because i'm the only student left in the class, am waiting until the other student comes back from internship in florida) but am continuing my drums and ballet. :) stopped involvement in church stuff too.. mom complained it was taking up too much time. she made me stop since june. >< bahh.
okay now i think this is sufficiently long to bore and i am adequately tired. i shall go to sleep now and hope that waking up late tomorrow morning will give me enough sleep to ensure that i don't write stupid things like "the toe [CCP] party line" instead of "toe the [CCP] party line" like this morning.
something in my subconscious tells me i have changed my style of blogging and the way i write, perhaps because of the pressure i have been under to churn out sophisticated-sounding words and phrases for essays. but this does not mean i have changed. :D
i tell you funny joke!
where did the independent variable go when it wanted a drink?
the x bar. :)
Monday, August 10, 2009 @9:10 AM
the long weekend has come and gone. tired all the way through. sunday afternoon was really retarded - i went to ppas for class, and then kw didn't arrive! we tried calling him but his phone was off, and kinda deduced his flight was delayed. after about an hour we all just went home.. and after i made my way home, i fell asleep, again.
today was sleep/tuition or study/eat and repeat. literally. i slept till 9, had tuition from 10 to 12, ate lunch, slept until 2, then woke up to hear my tutor's voice outside my house main door. had maths from 2 to 4, then did a bit of cse, then sleep again. had dinner, more china, and now i'm here. dunno what's wrong with me and my sleeping habits.
so, 21 more days to prelims, and i'm still here typing. someone please give me a good mighty push towards the notes and the revision.
Monday, August 03, 2009 @9:24 AM
okay, i don't know how often you check my blog but i hope that when you DO read this, it's not too late. please drop me a message after you've read this.. you will know this is for you,
cutting yourself is not the way to go, okay? as horrible as things may be going, as tough as it is to face every day, that's not the solution to things. it may seem to be a form of self-expression, or a way to take away your pain, but its not. you think you don't mind dying, but when time comes that you press too deep and life seeps away from you, you will regret it. you will regret leaving behind your loved one(s) in pain, leaving them wondering what they did or did not do. in some cases, those left behind here on earth hurt forever.
those cuts really do no good but hurt everyone around you. yes, even your mom and your sister. sometimes they just seem like shit and you don't ever click with them, but cliche as it sounds, deep down inside they love you very much. they just don't say it. my mom doesn't say it either and they don't show it but i know they do because i've seen the results that come off her advice. when she see your cuts, she hurts deep inside. and in her brain, this happens..
"what happened? is it me again? why am i causing her so much pain? because of Mr A.? i don't want her to cut herself! but i really don't feel safe with her around Mr A. what if Mr A. takes advantage of her? the age gap is so big. i don't even KNOW anything about Mr A.! okay maybe i'll try to find out. where can i find out? i hope i can trust her. i want to trust her. i want to trust her and nothing bad will happen to her because i'll never forgive myself if i allowed her to go out with somebody who hurt her."
that's why sometimes parents seem so neurotic, so crazed, unreasonable, retarded, stupid, all the other words you use to describe it. it sounds unlikely that your mom thinks that way, and sometimes you think you've got proof she hates you because she says hurtful things and even says she doesn't care about you at all. but really, REALLY REALLY, inside she feels pain.
this is one of the longer posts i've done in a while, and i'm sorry it has to be so cryptic and sad. but i really hope you'll be fine, and you'll stick with the tough decision. the right one. the right one to the rest of the world. love will come again but family will not.
