Wednesday, November 25, 2009 @7:57 AM
okay. most of the exams are over, i can't say anything about how i've performed. just don't have a very good feeling for most of the papers but yet i don't feel panicky. which is really strange.. but i do wish i didn't panic DURING the exam. it would've helped alot. but anyway, what's done's done, just hope that whatever i get will suffice and see me through to fst.
hee. in a bid to cheerup on monday i came home to play theme hospital! downloaded like a gazillion versions of it before i could get the vista compatible one. even then, it wasn't the best system - everytime my laptop battery went down by a quarter, the game would hang. -.- thank goodness i saved the game periodically. besides that, i would say its a really good game. played it last time when i was younger and now i'm progressing much faster than before, maybe because i've gotten into the hang of the game, building more stuff quickly.
this has been quite a crazy week. mom's birthday celeb over the weekend, double exam on monday (even though both are short papers, i was still quite drained when i got home), movie + pool + laserquest on tuesday, helping out at home on wednesday, tomorrow gonna pick out my outfit, and friday its owen's birthday. probably gotta help get his gift and his cake, etc. what, oh what, should i get for my brother..
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i don't like all these rumours or talking behind others' back that i see all around, everyday. at church, at home, in school. why can't people come to an agreement about stuff? instead of being so wholeheartedly stubborn and devoted to their own cause just because it's what they prefer. many times in life, the things you have to do are not the things you want to do. you just have to make the best out of it and find happiness in whatever you're doing. i've always lived by a policy of making the best out of whatever i have and trying my best to work out some kind of compromise, even though the people i'm working with may not be very good to work with or just plain difficult.
maybe i've just been listening for too long, but over the weekend before the double paper monday i was hit by a wave of the blues. its not primarily due to these rumour stuff, but more of my grandma. i don't understand why i'm making such a big deal out of it but i just got really upset when i found out.
okay, she lied to me. and there's always the possibility of old age being the cause of her forgetfulness making it seem like she lied, but i can't help but feel she did it on purpose. her diabetic condition has worsened slightly but its inevitable with age, so to help her we got one of those blood glucose machines. one afternoon, after i got through an exam, i came home and asked, "hello! did you take your blood glucose today? how was it?" and she told me, "oh, i got 9. [mmol/L]" it was acceptable for a diabetic after breakfast, so i let it go.
and then, that evening, she told my mom, "the screen said E9." at that moment i was like, HUH?! you just told me in the afternoon it was 9! but this mistake was still forgivable, i believe it was a genuine mistake, it may have just slipped her mind to mention the E. [btw, E9 means an error occurred during the test.]
on saturday, i asked her casually, "have you gotten the piece of paper updated? the one you put in your wallet, to tell others who to contact in case something happens outside?" and she said, "yea i've done it."
within three hours, my mom walks into the room, and tells my grandma: "hey, i haven't updated that paper for you yet. i do it on monday okay? put these numbers?" i was studying then but when i heard those words i just stopped and turned around and looked at my mom. "what, she hasn't updated it yet?" "no she hasn't, i haven't done it." and it hit me pretty hard that my grandma actually bluffed me.
from an outsider's point of view, you'd be inclined to say that it may be a mistake again. i don't dispute it. but just a few days previously, my aunt told me she refused to have that piece of paper updated, saying nothing would happen to her, and even then those numbers would still work. the fact was that the piece of paper contained outdated numbers, and only one of them still worked.
and yesterday, after she went through a simple procedure to get her cataract cleaned. i came home for dinner, and i saw some porridge left over, so i told her, "have the porridge, its healthier." we have tingkat from a caterer and the food is far too oily for my liking. when you take porridge you eat less of the dishes as compared to when you eat rice.
when my mom asked her, "which one you want?" she immediately said, "rice!"
okay. maybe she doesn't like porridge. maybe she doesn't like porridge for DINNER.
you know what they say when life goes around? you become a child again when you grow old. and this process is beginning, for my grandmother.. but she doesn't know it. and i don't look forward to it. she sleeps in my room and most of the time i help her around because she "likes me" and apparently i'm the best, of the relatives in singapore, in getting her to listen or be less obstinate or just talk some sense into her.
i'm not afraid of the process of taking care of her and helping her. i'm not afraid to be seen as uncool when i bring her out shopping or carry her bags or do stuff at her beck and call. but she's just not being cooperative, and even when i do my best trying to reach a compromise with her, she just shuts me out. she doesn't listen to whatever she doesn't WANT to listen to. its kinda getting tiring trying to balance between satisfying her and satisfying the rest of the family.
beyond the fatigue, what i'm really afraid is that something will happen to her. like, death. there are nights when she is the same position when i sleep and when i wake up. i actually look at her until i see her steady breathing before i relax and tell myself she's okay. there are other nights when i suddenly hear her snoring stop. and i sit bolt upright in my bed looking at her to see if she's breathing.
i wish that she would be watched over and i wouldn't feel too overly-responsible for whatever happens even though sometimes i can't control it. like the death thing.
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thank you for listening.
