Monday, August 10, 2009 @9:10 AM
the long weekend has come and gone. tired all the way through. sunday afternoon was really retarded - i went to ppas for class, and then kw didn't arrive! we tried calling him but his phone was off, and kinda deduced his flight was delayed. after about an hour we all just went home.. and after i made my way home, i fell asleep, again.
today was sleep/tuition or study/eat and repeat. literally. i slept till 9, had tuition from 10 to 12, ate lunch, slept until 2, then woke up to hear my tutor's voice outside my house main door. had maths from 2 to 4, then did a bit of cse, then sleep again. had dinner, more china, and now i'm here. dunno what's wrong with me and my sleeping habits.
so, 21 more days to prelims, and i'm still here typing. someone please give me a good mighty push towards the notes and the revision.
Monday, August 03, 2009 @9:24 AM
okay, i don't know how often you check my blog but i hope that when you DO read this, it's not too late. please drop me a message after you've read this.. you will know this is for you,
cutting yourself is not the way to go, okay? as horrible as things may be going, as tough as it is to face every day, that's not the solution to things. it may seem to be a form of self-expression, or a way to take away your pain, but its not. you think you don't mind dying, but when time comes that you press too deep and life seeps away from you, you will regret it. you will regret leaving behind your loved one(s) in pain, leaving them wondering what they did or did not do. in some cases, those left behind here on earth hurt forever.
those cuts really do no good but hurt everyone around you. yes, even your mom and your sister. sometimes they just seem like shit and you don't ever click with them, but cliche as it sounds, deep down inside they love you very much. they just don't say it. my mom doesn't say it either and they don't show it but i know they do because i've seen the results that come off her advice. when she see your cuts, she hurts deep inside. and in her brain, this happens..
"what happened? is it me again? why am i causing her so much pain? because of Mr A.? i don't want her to cut herself! but i really don't feel safe with her around Mr A. what if Mr A. takes advantage of her? the age gap is so big. i don't even KNOW anything about Mr A.! okay maybe i'll try to find out. where can i find out? i hope i can trust her. i want to trust her. i want to trust her and nothing bad will happen to her because i'll never forgive myself if i allowed her to go out with somebody who hurt her."
that's why sometimes parents seem so neurotic, so crazed, unreasonable, retarded, stupid, all the other words you use to describe it. it sounds unlikely that your mom thinks that way, and sometimes you think you've got proof she hates you because she says hurtful things and even says she doesn't care about you at all. but really, REALLY REALLY, inside she feels pain.
this is one of the longer posts i've done in a while, and i'm sorry it has to be so cryptic and sad. but i really hope you'll be fine, and you'll stick with the tough decision. the right one. the right one to the rest of the world. love will come again but family will not.
