Friday, February 29, 2008 @4:20 AM
wtf i am damn pissed with you right now.
what the hell do you think you're doing? you aren't even giving me a chance. i don't mind that you don't want me to get in, but i mind how you do it. you don't even give me a chance to try and get into the team and you shut me out. 22 people are in it already, you think one specialized audition will do it for me? i'll get in, become one of them and i'll be happy? i'm sore now, yes i'm really sore. i'm even more so than after my first audition. wanna know why? i don't have the satisfaction of knowing that I TRIED. i didn't bloody fucking try.
well from my short-sighted point of view let's just say that you really really want me to go for your cip ccas. i don't mind doing cip, i don't mind service, i don't mind hard labour. but i don't want to do it for someone who doesn't let me try for other things first, who wants one of my saturdays every month just for himself. i don't want to be any president of whatever. i just want to do something my mom wants.
and then that. camp. i'm not going to go there, play orientation games, choke on starch and die, right? what's the use of keeping me away? you're just gonna make me feel all miserable at home, and make me work my ass off again. and THEN, i'm gonna fall sick again, make mom worried all over again and the whole cycle repeats. what's the freaking use? i'm not gonna learn how to balance my life properly. all i'm gonna learn is the fastest way to burn out. you want me to learn that? there's nothing to balance if i'm not going for yc, if i'm not going for my classes. there's only one end of the balance - school. why don't you TELL ME if you want me to quit? why don't you tell me if you want me to give up the balance and give up learning?
oh man. right now you suck so much and i'm so irritated with you, i just wanna destroy your temple. i feel like punching you and telling how disappointed and sad i am that you're always using those around me. you used her so bad ok. you made her suffer so much, so just that tonight you can make me tell me "this is from experience"? you made her go through so much pain, and give up so many things and experiences, so that tonight she can tell me "take care of yourself"?
i know to people who understand who this is to, this sounds like the most short-sighted and stupid posts ever. yes, i'm just focusing on whatever's happening NOW NOW NOW. i don't give a bloody damn about anything else for now. just let me sort myself back out and figure out what to save my asshole jc life.
but right now, in my life, YOU SUCK. full time.
edit://i've calmed down.
and, i'm sorry.
